Translations of Coaches' "Codes"
Every Goaltender Should
NHL Jeaporardy
Watch Hockey
At last, hockey's secret code has been cracked. Everyone knows hockey coaches speak in code. Finally, after years of exhaustive study, that code has been broken. Usually, the coach speaks in code when he's trying to sugar-coat his assessment of a player or his team. We now know the difference between "what a coach says" and "what a coach really means."
Here's a list of the most common "code" phrases used by coaches:
Jagr: Thank you very much. I salute you.
Hasek: Oh well you know I try you know I try...Peter Bondra.
Hatcher: Thanks Alex. I'll take Gutless Wonders for $100.
Alex: Uh, Derian, we haven't started yet.
Hatcher: Oops, sorry.
Hasek: Oh well you know I announce retirement at start of season you know but I get injured you know I like 9 million you know...
Alex: Ok Dominik, fine, now lets start the game. Jaromir, will you please stop saluting everyone!
Hatcher: Do you want me to kick his ass?
Alex: No, Derian, that will not be necessary. Ok, Jaromir, you are the MVP so you get the board first.
Jagr: Uh, NHL Awards for $100 please, Alex.
Alex: This player was the first Czech born player to win the Art Ross Trophy.
Jagr: I know this one!
Hasek: Who is Peter Bondra.
Hatcher: He's Slovakian, you nerd! Geez, what a loser!
Jagr: Who is Petr Nedved!
Alex: No, I'm sorry Jaromir, the answer is Who is Jaromir Jagr.
Jaromir: Hey, that's me!
Hatcher: If you salute me one more time I'm gonna shove your two fingers where the sun don't shine!
Hasek: Buffalo?
Alex: Ok, no one got the right answer so it's your turn again, Jaromir.
Jagr: I will take Stanley Cup Champions for $200.
Alex: This team won the Stanley Cup in 1999.
Hasek: Who are the Buffalo Sabres!
Alex: Nope, sorry.
Hatcher: Who are the Dallas Stars, of course.
Alex: Correct. The board is yours Derian.
Hatcher: I will take No Matter What the Answer is, the Question is Jeremy Roenick.
Alex: This player had his face crushed last year on a hit from Derian Hatcher.
Hasek: Who is Peter Bondra.
Jagr: Who is me!
Hatcher: Who is Jeremy Roenick. This game is easy. It's just like playing the Kings!
Jagr: Quit hogging the board!
Hatcher: Quit giving everyone the finger!
Alex: Ok, Derian, you are on a roll.
Hatcher: Give me Stanley Cup Champions for $400, Alex.
Alex: This team won the Stanley Cup in 1997 and 1998.
Hatcher: Who are the Dallas Stars!
Alex: No.
Hasek: Who are the Detroit Red Wings.
Alex: Yes.
Hasek: Oh well you know I try you know...
Alex: Ok Dominik, the board is yours.
Hasek: I will oh you know take oh you well you know Peter Bondra for $500.
Alex: Peter Bondra plays for this NHL team.
Hasek: Who are the Buffalo Sabres.
Jagr: Who are the Pittsburgh Pirates.
Hatcher: Who are the Washington Capitals.
Alex: Derian is right again and has a big lead.
Hatcher: Give me NHL Head Coaches for $1000, Ken.
Alex: My name is Alex, not Ken!
Hatcher: Whatever, just give me the damn answer before I kick your ass!
Alex: This man is the head coach of the Pittsburgh Penguins.
Hatcher: Who is Mario Lemieux.
Alex: No.
Jagr: Who is me.
Hasek: Who is Peter Bondra.
Alex: No, none of you guys are right! Derian Hatcher is the winner. This has been the longest show of my life! No more NHLers are allowed on my show! Stop saluting me Jaromir, for god's sakes!
Jagr: What's his problem? All the Pens fans love it when I do that!
Hatcher: I won! I won! Now I can go rub it in to Eddie that I won on Jeopardy!
Jagr: Hey, Dom, you hate playing against me the most, right?
Hasek: Nope, you are easy.
Jagr: Well, if not me than who?
Hasek: Who is Peter Bondra.
Enjoy the power and skill of your favorite team. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and skill of your team until the roster has been completely changed. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of these guys and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before them and how fabulous their chemistry really was. they're not as tentative as you imagine.
Don't worry about the opponent. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to make your team score by wearing your lucky socks. The real troubles your team will run into are, to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that come out of no where with the teams at even strength and four minutes left in the period.
Watch one play everyday that scares you.
Sing along with the national anthem.
Applaud.
Don't feel guilty for knowing if your team should focus on offense or defense, youth or experience, speed or size. Some of the most interesting teams I've ever watched didn't know which of those paths to take. Some of the most interesting teams I watch now still don't.
Be nice to your voice. You'll miss it when you've cheered yourself into a state of laryngitis.
Maybe your team will make the playoffs, Maybe they wont, maybe they'll win the championship, maybe they won't. Maybe they'll relocate to Outer Poduck, maybe you'll be at the Booster Club's 75th Anniversary banquet. Whatever happens, don't get too puffed up with pride, or too depressed either. Your team's choices are half chance. Ditto for all the other teams.
Enjoy your fandom. Show it every way you can. Don't be afraid to wear your team's colors or of what other people think of you. It's one of the most exciting uses you'll ever find for your enthusiasm.
Do "The Wave", even if you have nowhere to do it but your own Living room.
Read the scouting reports, even if you put no stock in them.
Do NOT read trade Rumors. They will only make you feel paranoid.
Get to know and appreciate, the players on your team. You never know when they'll be headed to another city, or league. Be nice to your fellow fans. They're your best link to the team's history, and the people most likely to empathize, with you in the future.
Understand that players come and go, but a precious few you should follow throughout their careers. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and different hockey leagues, because the older you get, the more you will need to cheer for the players whom you've followed since your team drafted them.
Make the team's superstar your favorite player, but when you see his great skill, don't become arrogant. Make the team's unknown fourth-liner your favorite player, but if he's a "throw-in" in a trade, don't become disillusioned. Travel to road games.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Player's salaries will rise. UFAs will jump ship for more money. You too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, Salaries were reasonable, players were loyal to their teams, and they also respected the officials.
Respect the officials.
Don't expect anyone else to understand you. Maybe you and your friends bought season tickets together. Maybe you joined the booster club together. But you never know when your best hockey buddies might move away or jump off the bandwagon.
Don't eat too much junk food during games or by the time you're 40 you will look 85.
Be careful of who's advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of taking an old
game-tape from the rack, popping it in the VCR, fast-forwarding through the commercials and enjoying it during the off-season.
But trust me on the watching hockey.
Thanks to Eagle Vision and Hoz at
Translation: We think he can play a role, we just haven't figure out what that role is yet.
Translation: He makes us laugh, tells jokes and does impressions.
Translation: We should leave him in the room because he's useless on the ice.
Translation: We're not sure what he brings to the team.
Translation: He competes every night, he just doesn't win very often.
Translation: He needs a bath.
Translation: He's dumb enough to lead with his face.
Translation: He belongs in the corner -- with a dunce cap on.
Translation: He takes up space.
Translation: His reflexes are lousy.
Translation: He hasn't got a clue how to play the angles.
Translation: I like having an extra man out there to cover up for his screw-ups.
Translation: He can't skate and carry the puck at the same time.
Translation: He can't play defence.
Translation: He's here for two shifts a night and start fights on both of them.
Translation: He doesn't do anything particularly well.
Translation: He chirps at the opposition and takes dumb penalties at crucial times.
Translation: He's lost with better teams.
Translation: He can't get any worse.
Translation: This guy was abandoned in the jungle as a small boy and taught to play hockey by the family of gorillas who adopted him. And I'm supposed to coach this?
Translation: It's 50-50 he'll miss an empty net from three feet.
Translation: He works hard but accomplishes little.
Translation: He had better pass because he shoots like my grandmother.
Translation: We may be lousy but we all get along.
Translation: We stink this year and we probably will the year after that too
Translation: I'm pulling names out of a hat and hoping it works.
Translation: He pissed me off so much the last game I want him as far away from me as possible
Translation: I watched my career as a coach go down the drain
Translation: We don't suck as much as before and I can keep my dinner down watching these losers
Translation: He can actually play hockey
Translation: He sucks
Translation: The ref sucked
Translation: How can these high school dropouts get paid millions for that crap the spewed on the ice tonight?
Every Goaltender Should:
Be concerned with sportmanship first
Have someone to emulate; to thank; to curse
Have learned that there is no "I" in the word team
Have been an underdog; a favortie
Practiced the cereal box pose
In the mirror
Have kept the trophies they earned in elementary school
Wonder why SPORT can't replace WAR
Cry during the national anthem
Know that there is no gain without considerable pain
Know that there will be some goals that you could have stopped...but didn't
Know that there will be some goals you will have no chance of stopping...and will make the save
Bear in mind that the game will end, but life goes on
NHL Jeapordy!
Alex Trebek: Hello everyone, we are pleased to have three of the best players in the NHL on our show.
Watch Hockey
There is only one tip for the future, watching hockey would be it. The long-term benefits of hockey have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.